January: Some liberals, at least 2 or 3 of them, were cheered at the first anniversary of Trump’s presidency after learning that researchers in Bangladesh have developed a dung-eating earthworm. So, provided they raise enough of the creepy crawlers to cover the whole US up to our necks, we should be all right.
February: Elon Musk sent a rocket into space and dropped off a red 2008 Tesla convertible piloted by a dummy nicknamed, “Starman.” He, (Musk, not the dummy), thinks the car will end up in the asteroid belt, but I’m hoping the fiery heap will end up in Elon’s backyard.
March: Police in Oslo, Norway, say the FBI is assisting in the investigation of 2 forged nominations of Donald Trump for the Nobel Peace prize. They discovered the forgery because the impersonator allegedly used the same stolen identity twice. Eric Trump could not be reached for comment.
April: A mysterious ribbon of atmospheric light known as STEVE flashed across the sky over British Columbia last April. Rumors abound, but STEVE is named for the guy who discovered it, who also seems to exist in a cloud of hot, fast-moving gas. According to a new study, STEVE is not an aurora, but something completely unknown to science. Calls to Elon Musk went straight to Starman’s voicemail.
May: Reacting to North Korea’s recent nuclear advances, scientists are attempting to unlock, and possibly harness, the genome of the cockroach–reputably for the benefit of mankind. They hope that the hybrid human/cockroach will quickly adapt to environmental disasters, much like their predecessors. Upon hearing this news, clothing designers scurried to create clothing with more arms and legs.
June: The WHO, (the World Health Organization, not the band), formally added “Gaming Disorder” to their list of new diseases we can catch. They estimated that 1 out of 10 gamers spend more than 12 hours/day playing video games. 1 out of 10 researchers of this disorder were unavailable for comment, according to their moms.
July: Scientists discovered that the Thames, near London’s House of Parliament, contains so much cocaine that the eels are getting too high to mate, threatening their existence. Also threatening their existence: some members of the House of Parliament have been seen with eels up their noses.
August: A new law was passed in East Africa imposing long jail sentences for those who are “offensive” or “morally improper” online. Coincidentally, one President abruptly cancelled his trip to the area.
September: British folks were amazed at the unusual sight of a beluga whale in the Thames River this month. Reports of it having an eel stuck in its nose couldn’t be verified.
October: An Illinois candidate for governor removed 5 toilets from one of his properties making it “Uninhabitable” which should result in lower taxes. The stinking, rich businessman won the election, but lost to the tax bureau and had to pay over $300 thousand in back taxes.
November: A pigeon wearing a rhinestone vest returned to its anxious owners after 2 weeks on the lam. The poor bird could barely fly, having somehow acquired a diamond-studded tiara while it was missing.
December: NPR, (National Public Radio), reports that the Illinois State House has a nativity scene on display, in addition to a menorah and, (for devil worshipers), a statue of a snake coiled around an arm with an apple in its hand. At the unveiling of the holiday exhibits, a man resembling the new governor-elect, (discovered nearby in top hat and tail, tap-dancing with a trident), refused to comment.