Nightmare Vs. Demonic Possession

This is the creepiest picture I could find. Thanks, Pete Linforth, photographer.

It seems I’m afraid of most everything, but I never felt real fear until the other night. I was brushing my teeth before bedtime when a blood-curdling scream shredded the silence. Every hair on my body, that was not glued down, stood at attention. I could even feel the hair on my legs rise up. It tickled, but I wasn’t laughing–my mother was having one of her nightmares, again.

She’d had them before, about once a month, but they still scare me. No sooner do I let my guard down than she emits a 99.9 decibel, roller-coaster scream, followed by some moaning and thrashing about in her bed.

The first time I heard it, I was dead asleep when 3 shrieks tore through my dreams. Wise to the fact that one should never leave one’s bed when monsters, ghosts and the assorted demons are about, I stayed in bed with my eyes closed wondering, what the f___ was that?

My first thought was, my mom had seen a ghost. This idea is not my fault. My middle sister, Alexie Aaron, has written many paranormal novels and she’s got our whole family scared of their own shadows.

Next, I dismissed a number of more logical possibilities including whether my 91 year old mother could even make a sound that loud. It was at least twice as loud as if you threw a bucket of water on her, (believe me, this happens–sometimes.) I concluded that she couldn’t be so loud on her own.

Haunted days passed after hearing those first screams. I kept seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, and my bedroom door would creak without opening. I hid the cleaver, in case my mommy, who was obviously possessed, was about to chop me up.

Then, I heard reference to foxes that scream 3 times during mating. Researchers haven’t determined why but I suspect they’re party animals, (the foxes, not the researchers–necessarily.)

That was the obvious solution to the mystery–until my little sister told me that Mom had done this before, while they were staying together in a motel room. She could not be awakened.

The weird thing is that Mother never remembers what her scary dreams are about. Nor does she recall ever being attacked, or in great danger. After the nightmare, she continues to sleep, and has no ill effects the next day. (Maybe she really is possessed?)

I’m the one suffering ill effects from her nightmares. I can’t get to sleep after hearing her screams because of the adrenaline coursing through my body–making my heart thump and hair stand on end. Not to mention, I keep seeing things that probably aren’t there.

I’ve come up with one plan to not only solve the mystery, but to make myself feel better. Can anyone spare a bucket of holy water?

And You Think You Can Drink

Wine After Beer, Better Fear–No More

Drinkers worldwide received tragic news this week, thanks to researcher Joran Kochling of Witten/Herdecke University in Germany. It turns out that his exhaustive study of alcohol consumption, some of which involved self-experimentation, revealed that it doesn’t matter whether you drink wine or beer first, the results are the same–hangovers!

This intrepid investigator managed to recruit 90 healthy volunteers willing to consume beer and wine in copious quantities from among the thousand or so people milling outside his recruitment station. He divided them into 3 groups. One group drank 2 1/2 pints of 5% lager, followed by 4 “large” glasses of white wine, (“large” was not defined–it could have been a quart for all I know.) The second group drank 4 large glasses of wine followed by 2 1/2 pints of beer and the third group could only have beer or wine, not both.

Degree of drunkenness was determined immediately after consumption by means of a simple interview with the imbibers, (Who knows how to say, “drunk as a skunk” in German?) Then, the next morning, said imbibers rated their hangover symptoms. A week later, each group was given their alcohol in reverse order and data was again collected.

It turns out that it doesn’t matter what you drink first, the hangover symptoms are the same.

Further investigation reveals that many researchers study the problem of hangovers–go figure.

The Chirp Heard Round the World

The walls have ears

Way back in 2016, US diplomats were rushed home from Cuba after being attacked by some strange kind of sonic bomb. In retaliation, the US government got all huffy and sent the Cuban diplomats home.

Not much later, I found it strange that US/Cuban relations suddenly improved and the sanctions against the island nation were lifted. Everyone danced in the streets of Havana, but no one, to my knowledge, had solved the mystery of the alleged sonic bombs that had caused dozens of embassy staffers to fall ill with everything from vertigo to “cognitive difficulties” to hearing loss. Until now.

Mindy Weisberger, a senior reporter with “Live Science,” revealed the probable cause of the diabolical decibels–crickets! Namely, the Indies short-tailed cricket, the lonesome males of which apparently decided to take up residence at the fancy Havana Hotel. These poor buggers sang their hearts out, (actually, sang their legs off), in search of likewise lonesome females, which were rumored to hang out in the establishment’s friendly barroom.

I imagine that those who threw the Cuban diplomatic corps out of the US were so embarrassed at this revelation that they eased up on the sanctions against the chirpy Caribbean country in exchange for keeping the secret of the sonic bomb’s weaponry under wraps.

In related news, France’s cute little water bug, which they call the “boatman,” is the loudest animal for its size on Earth–and it’s only strumming its genitals! I hope that the Embassy workers have been warned about this impending peril.

The bug responsible for sending diplomats scurrying for cover was finally pinned down.

Robots Want to Know More About You, And So Do I

The Eyes Have It

This may be a picture of a beautiful child, or a future psychopath. You be the judge.

In an effort to improve human/machine interactions, researchers at the University of Southern Australia are trying to help robots identify an individual’s personality type. Therefore, they’ve been recording peoples’ eye movements whilst doing everyday tasks, then administered a test to determine each person’s dominant personality trait.

It may be news to you that we fall into only 5 major categories of personality. According to the popular NEO Five-Factor Inventory, (the test they used), people display: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism to different extents. Whichever trait one scores highest in is one’s “personality type.”

To no avail, I tried to get pictures of eyes which demonstrate each personality type. This may be a closely guarded secret, I don’t know. There are plenty of eye pictures, but the personality trait they exhibit is left up to the viewer.

Then I had a brainstorm. It would be more helpful if we had robots which at least identified evil people so we could keep an eye on them! So, I went to gather a photo of the first evil man who came to mind, Rasputin the Mad Monk. I found many photos of the stern-faced killer, most of which would have cost me $30-$100 to show my readers. Are they worth it? Not hardly.

So, you will have to take my word for it that Rasputin’s eyes were asymmetrical, the left one being larger. Next, I looked at photos of John Wayne Gacy, the infamous killer clown. Low and behold, his eyes didn’t match, either. His left eye drooped! It could be that each man went around with one eyebrow down, and the other up–a perfectly diabolical look, or they were just mugging for the camera.

My point is, until further study, we would do well to avoid those who have something wrong with their left eyes.

(My apologies to all those nice people with weird orbs on the left side of their smiling faces, but you better be on your best behavior. I’m watching you. And, my left eye is larger because I squint…)


Shameless Exploitation

The most gratifying thing in my life is when I can make people laugh. With that in mind, I have written two books: Revenge for the Dogs and Green Stuff. My desire is that you strangers will enjoy my blog posts so much, you will buy these books and make me rich enough to feed the world, or at least myself.

Feel free to contact me at:

My E Books


This is a story of a rural mail carrier set on avenging the deaths of her favorite customer and his little dogs. God decides to allow a certain angel to help. Turns out, the angel needs help, too.


This is easily one of the wildest stories I’ve ever read. If Tom Robbins and Terry Pratchett got drunk together at a church picnic, maybe, just maybe, they’d come close to the creativity of Ms. Pants. Revenge for the Dogs is a funny, barreling story with a unique vision of the relationship between heaven and earth, replete with animals, misdeeds, and high-jinx topped off with a couple cases of righteous vengeance, naturally.

(review by Sara Zaske, author of Achtung Baby–An American Mom on the German Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children.)

This is a story of a rural mail carrier whose curiosity led her to discover an underground laboratory filled with strange creatures and a family of scientists bent on saving the planet, among other things…

From the author of “Revenge for the Dogs,” this adventure-involving yet another intrepid rural mail route carrier-takes us back to western Michigan for a story involving a cheating rose grower and a family of diabolical genetic engineers. This well-written original story takes you on a ride that will leave you laughing, cringing and avoiding those tempting backroads for quite a while. (review by Alexie Aaron, author of The Haunted Series, Cid Garrett P.I. Series, and Cin Fin-Lathen Mysteries.)